I know it’s been decided that we can keep going if we want to but some need to move on and so do I. I don’t have to be anywhere but it has been a struggle at times. (This was not a surprise.) I considered dropping out more than once in the second half, but somehow stayed on for the long haul. I’m amazed.
At the same time I feel quite emotional about the project ending and saying farewell – even to those I know personally (huh?). Not helped by some very moving parting poems by other contributors. It’s been a very special experience. I have loved being connected to this group of poets and artists and seeing so many new works in the fresh. It’s at times electric.
each adieu a ship’s siren
a slap of salt against the quay
the poets are departing
It’s also shown me that no matter how tough things get I can still be creating, that the pieces I feel are such a compromise are … authentic? ... and that it’s not that big a loss if I don’t get into the deeper research I’ve been interested in. I need to think less about what I’m hankering after and think more about what I’m actually achieving and to see that resulting work as still credible.
It has been an exhausting year (I have a carer’s role) and this took its toll. I wrote on my own blog in October: I have reached a stage where I don’t think I can haul another word out of me. But then I began drawing. Quite soon I introduced found text and began to feel very satisfied, because after all art & text is something else I’d been wanting to do more of. The pressure of the daily commitment made me get on with that welcome alternative. I enjoyed being in that zone – scribbling, smearing, molding, layering, shading.
Around the same time a mild sense of panic also set in. It’s as if everything now hinges on this project – all the writing I may ever do has to happen in the two months before it finishes. Not rational I know. I think those feelings were really in anticipation of continuing the writer’s daily life in this new year, without the daily deadline and the generous support of the group. So often a comment would warm the cockles of my heart and set me in a ‘yes I can (again)’ mood. I can’t thank you all enough.
Today's revelation is that the project has given me the will to keep writing - maybe without knowing it I had lost some of that.